Tony! Toni! Tone! (a scientific theory)
"I have this incredibly scientific theory that all people named "Tony" are douchebags. I began developing my revolutionary hypothesis years ago, in grade school, when this acne-festering trashcan named Tony Dinelli sucker-punched me in the face in the middle of the cafeteria. Ever since, I've quietly suspected that everyone in the world named Tony is a complete douche. Over ten years later, I have yet to be proven wrong, and have now decided to finally go public with my findings, which you will find (heh) below."